7 Oct 2024

Had the 11 am meeting with Dr. Anita on the app for assessment tools work. Didn't sleep properly last night, barely did anything, threw up in morning, have a heavy headache, feel awful. Its a weird anxiety and weird reluctance, like a school kid getting physical symptoms before school and not able to go. It's also like an instinctive reluctance to touch a very hot thing. But I know I just need to get into it, I can't do it all but I can contribute and kick-start it. I messaged Dr. Anita. She replied with "Stop it" and suggested we find lighter work. On seeing stop it, I felt for a second like my heart stopped. And the I started crying a bit. I was relieved but also upset. It was the correct thing but I don't know. I guess I don't know what I want. A miracle fix. To become someone else. For this headache to vanish. Atleast the stomach ache has receded magically and even the head is not throbbing, just lack of sleep wala headache I guess. 

I am so upset and disappointed in myself.