Pain blooms out of everywhere. My ears, my eyes, my nostrils. I imagine it looking like blood red hibiscus flowers, forcing its way out. And even as i slowly turn into stone from the outside, the inside traps my screams. My struggle getting smaller, weaker, pointless. Exhausted and out of ideas, the puzzle is now unsolvable. The escape room game now a tomb.
The lump in my throat feels unearned. Unworthy of letting it drift up and well into the eyes.
The countless medicines, therapies, clinical cookie cutter solutions, scientifically administered, devoid of human love and understanding. They've run their course. They left a hard patina of cynism behind. This is the end. There is no solution. No escape, no alleviation.
It took time but now i accept my fate. Even as i hang on to a precariously positioned branch in a furious river that can break off any second, i can't seem to let go of my own accord. A few more minutes, just a little more before the deluge sinks me, snatches away my breath, suffocates my lungs, confounds my senses and darkness overcomes forever. A few last breaths, one last look at the sky and sunlight.
People have all walked away. To help those they think have a better chance. Only one person remains, helpless and clueless. Meaningless. I am grateful for that one person, tied to me by biology and love. I think i held on for her. But there are no paths opening, the branch is breaking and i have no more strength to hang on, let alone fight the turbulence.
Yet, i am scared. Scared of accepting fate. Scared of trying something that might fail and make it all worse. All i know is that this pain remains. This inaction will lead to disaster and make it all worse. Yet, i see no foothold to reach out to. I have lost this battle. I just refuse to resign.
No comments:
Post a Comment